I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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