This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
The power of my boobs compel you
I would fuck him just for his dog
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
