You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
