i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
