i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
