There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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