i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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