Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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