Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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