I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
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