Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
