Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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