DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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