You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She's better-looking with the mask on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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