My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
