seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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