apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
