rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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