if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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