I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
