There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
