I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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