I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
