On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
