Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
