Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
