My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
