i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Randomize
