I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
