I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
