my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So much rum. So many feels.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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