You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
now i know why i became what i already was.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Randomize
