Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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