She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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