You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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