i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
