They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
