My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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