i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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