I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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