my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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