does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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