I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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