I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
