he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
