I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
cat food counts as protein by the way
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
