The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize