I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
