Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
