Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
