I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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