The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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