I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?