Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.