I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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