Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
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Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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