dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Buhtt sex?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
