Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
