I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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